Dick Cheney is a Goddamn Robot

According to this article on Reuters, Dick Cheney was found to have an "irregular heartbeat". At first I hoped they meant "no heartbeat", but then I read on...

Tests determined Cheney, 66, one of President George W. Bush's closest advisers, had "atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart," said Megan Mitchell, his spokeswoman.

I like how they specify that Cheney is one of Bush's "closest advisers". Since Dick has tried to pass himself off as a member of the legislative branch, instead of one of the executive branch (something every high schooler knows), people have no idea what to call him now. I could go with a joke about Darth Cheney right now, but I'm not gonna do it, I'm just not gonna do.

Of course this irregular heartbeat in Cheney's dark chasm of a chest is caused by him being a robot. The magnetic fields on Earth have been surprisingly active lately and this is causing a disturbance in his mechanical heart. By "abnormal rhythm" the doctors meant that when they pressed the stethoscope to Cheney's back they heard Kraftwerk. We all know how much robots like Kraftwerk.

This has no effect on us mere humans, though. Our soft, fleshy exterior will be easily torn apart by Lord Robot King Cheney's steel grapples, forged by Bill Kristol in the dark basement of the Skull and Bones building.