Monday, December 3, 2007

United States General Assessment

So, I just drove across the entire country.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

So, I just drove across the entire goddamn country.

From Los Angeles, California to Yarmouth, Maine.
It was at least 30 miles.

Here's what I learned about these United States:

  1. Flagstaff, Arizona has the best beer in the world. I've been to Belgium, Germany, The Netherlands, London and Scotland. But in Flagstaff I had a stout that gave me goosebumps.
  2. From New Mexico to Pennsylvania no one knows how to drive. Seriously. Fuck you guys.
  3. There is a motel just outside of Oklahoma City that belongs in a 3rd world country. Stains on the sheets, holes in the ceiling and wall (some of them plugged up with toilet paper). In the shower they provided a solitary bar of soap that was originally from another motel. I have no idea how these guys stay in business. On the plus side it only cost 35 bucks a night.
  4. Arizona has the best sunsets (besides Maine).
  5. God had no part in the design of Boston's roads.
  6. I-40 mostly has a 75 mph speed limit. You must behold its glory by ignoring it and driving 90 mph.
  7. Amarillo, Texas is the worst place in the world. The whole town smells awful because it's surrounded by cattle.
  8. Southern California has the America's most boring weather. Sorry, it's not cool to have the same exact weather all year around - it's monotonous and breeds forest fires. Also, smog.
  9. There is a chain of gas stations in the flyover states called "Kum & Go". The sheer stupidity required to go through the lengthy process of establishing a franchise and refusing to see that your business name is wrought with sexual innuendo is impressive.

This pretty much sums it all up.

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