Saturday, October 13, 2007

Blackwater Don't Give a Fuck

Blackwater must exclusively hire people who want to emulate gangsta rap lyrics.
A US Army colonel recently came forward and detailed a 2006 incident in which Blackwater employees pulled their weapons on a Humvee full of our nation's troops.

The incident (as described in the article I just linked, but, come on, I want to tell a story) occurred after a Blackwater SUV crashed into an Army Humvee. The Blackwater employees then exited the SUV, drew their weapons on the soldiers and ordered them to lie on the ground while they got their SUV free from the wreckage.

This all happened in the green zone and the story has been confirmed by the head of another security firm that's in Iraq.

How much must that suck? You're in the military, in the middle of the desert and you crash US property into an SUV filled with pissed-off, wannabe gangsta, rednecks. Not only are you gonna catch shit because you crashed the Humvee, but you have a bunch of M4s being shoved in your face, forcing you to lie down in the hot sand.
And they say Democrats don't "support the troops"?

I'd really like it if my tax money wasn't going toward these fucksticks who are pulling guns on our own troops.
It seems like a vicious circle: The US troops try to maintain good relations with the Iraqis (especially lately, since they have to make up for the private security firms), while these private security cowboys ride around on the tax-payers dollar and fuck things up. Every time we get a step ahead, the rug gets pulled back two steps.

When Erik Prince was reached for a comment on the incident he responded "Deez nuts!" and promptly hung up.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Someone Please Have Sex With Ann Coulter

We need some patriots on this - stat.
Ann Coulter probably hasn't had sex in years. That's the only reason why she could be so batshit insane. She's sexually frustrated and is taking it out... on the JEWS!

COULTER: No, we think -- we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.

DEUTSCH: Wow, you didn't really say that, did you?
Note for the immature: Deutsch is pronounced "Doich" not "Douche"... jackasses.

First of all: Who is "we"? Who is Ann Coulter speaking for other than other insane, middle aged wannabe soccer moms who pour hot wax on their thighs in front of pictures of Ronald Reagan (there can only be one woman who is like that).
Second of all: Perfected? I don't mean to summon Godwin's law here, but when you start talking about "perfecting" a race, then you're in Hitler territory.
DEUTSCH: I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that at all. Maybe you have the chip looking at them. I see a lot of interracial couples, and I don't see any more or less chips there either way. That's erroneous.

COULTER: No. In fact, there was an entire Seinfeld episode about Elaine and her boyfriend dating because they wanted to be a mixed-race couple, so you're lying.

DEUTSCH: Oh, because of some Seinfeld episode? OK.
We all know that when she's not on some cable news channel being interviewed she's at home eating Haagen Dazs and watching TV. So obviously she frames her standpoints around televisi
on sitcoms.
What does she do when she's not eating frozen dairy and channel surfing? Well she's either throwing up that ice cream in order to keep her Skeletor-like appearance, or she's at a singles bar trying to get laid. Of course she fails at the latter because she succeeds at the former.

This is why I think that we should start a campaign to pay people to have sex with Ann Coulter. If we raise enough money we can afford to have her humped 24 hours a day, thus keeping her off of Fox news.
This is brilliant.

I'm a genius.

Friday, October 5, 2007

The US Does Not Torture People

President Bush said today that the US doesn't torture people. Which is a relief because I thought that those pictures from Abu Ghraib and testimonials from people imprisoned at Guantanamo were real. It's nice to know that President Bush can tell us the truth about US policy once and for all.

In all fairness, though, if you thought that the US wasn't torturing people long before Bush, then you've been living in a dream world.

How can he deny the plausibility of the US torturing people at Guantanamo Bay when his administration has consistently pointed out that the people held there were not protected under the Geneva Convention. Why else would they say this so frequently if the rules of the Geneva Convention weren't being followed? The War on Terror isn't a formal war, therefore the people we detain are not soldiers of war. Easy enough, right? So torture away.

We are told that the information that comes from these interrogations save American lives, but we are never told of where A meets B - where the information leads to anything. Americans are kept so in the dark that it's difficult to formulate a substantial opinion on the issue rather than our reactions to the baser aspects of the act itself. Of course, the information given by the detained is confidential, very hush-hush and so forth.

The unwashed masses in the US have a mentality that since terrorists brutalize and murder our soldiers and journalists, we have a right to do the same to them. Good thing Hammurabi's Code is the basis for civil law... right.
I don't see how people (especially Christians) can justify the US torturing our enemies on that basis that they do the same to us.
It confounds me.
We are supposed to be better than our enemy. We are not supposed to be childish and immature (no matter how good that may feel) and antagonize them. With the large Christian base in the US, I find it surprising that many so-called Christians are supporting entirely un-Christ-like notion that whatever they do to us, we can do to them. It only perpetuates war to think like that.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Be Glad You Don't Live in Burma

That's it.
No punchline here.

Nothing's Shocking

Today Bush vetoed expanding children's health care. After doing this he punched a baby in the face and then ate a kitten (pictured).

The reasons that he gave were "poor kids first", "I believe in private health care" and "It's too expensive".
First of all, how does expanding coverage to more children make the health care received any worse? The poor children are already covered, how does it make things worse for them if we extend that coverage to the "not-so-poor".
I believe people are thinking about this issue like an elastic is being stretched out to cover more people, thereby making the coverage "thinner". When in reality it's just getting a bigger elastic - the same coverage for more people.

This would cost more money, yes.
It would take $35 Billion over the next five years.
The Iraq war has cost over $400 Billion in under five years.
This is a bill that will save children's lives.
This bill doesn't include cool tanks and bombs and M16s.
And yet, it gets shot down by our president for being "too expensive".

Furthermore he said that he was worried that people who are on private health care would sign up for state-sponsored health care.
I see a fault in this argument.
If private health care is supposed to be the bee's knees, and state health care is supposed to be awful... then why would people sign up for worse health care?
To save money?
Last time I checked, people don't skimp when it comes to the "you got in a car accident and are about to die" issues. If state-sponsored health care is such a draw that people are willing to give up their shiny, expensive private health care, then why don't we all try to get it?

The agenda behind this, of course, is political school-yard antics.
The Republicans are pissed that they didn't fare too well in the 2006 elections. However, they still had a President in office who would veto a bill to bring sunshine and lollipops to all the children of the world if it meant that some Democrats would get angry. So the Republicans were eager to veto the first thing they could. The Democrats saw this and pushed forward a bill that looked so good and would make whoever went against it like Satan.
Well, they turned it down.
It's kind of like that part in the movie where the dude grabs a hot chick to use as a human shield, thinking that no one would take a shot at him for fear of hitting the babe. Then the police sniper takes his M82 and blasts a huge fucking hole through the babe's chest to shoot the guy with the gun.
If only politics were really like that...