Saturday, February 2, 2008

No One is Forgetting Poland This Time!

So apparently we're building a missile defense system in Poland.


Missile defense systems based on the ground are so lame. If it's not based in space and named after a sci-fi movie *cough*STAR WARS*cough* then I'm not interested. I'm surprised they could get Bush interested in it. During his first term I remember all this talk about him trying to resurrect the Star Wars program, but it was soon forgotten. Legend says that W was sitting cross-legged, going through old files when he came across a folder marked "Star Wars Project". Witnesses report that Bush whispered"Shit yeah," and then ran into Cheney's office, waving the folder and shouting.

Either way, Russia is pissed off. Again, whatever. What is Russia going to do? I picture the average Russian as an old lady in a hovel, hunched over a bowl of soup made out of cabbage and unfounded national pride. I picture the average American as a square-jawed quarterback cruising down the wrong side of the road in his H2 that runs off of gasoline and fear.
Now which one of these stereotypes needs a missile defense shield?

Putin has been talking strongly of late, saying that it will use nuclear means to defend "THE MOTHERLAND" and "HER COMRADES". He specifically threatened that he would point missiles at European cities if the US puts the missile shield up, which is basically pointing a gun into somebody's face. But it's all unfounded, Russia isn't going to do jack shit about anything.

They're like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite, always talking about the past and how cool they used to be, but now they're living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and at the end of the movie some chick visits them (that chick is Finland).

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Still Alive

I haven't updated because I've been in the process of moving to New York.
I also just spent 4 days in the hospital for failing to breathe successfully. I almost joined the host of people who died this past week (Heath Ledger, Bobby Fischer, Brad Renfro), but I pulled through and triumphed over two successful actors and a chess god.
Anyways, shit is going down everywhere on Earth now. The Palestinians busted through the wall and poured into Egypt, the world economy went into a little panic, a bunch of people wrote up all the times Bush has lied to us about threats in the past 7 years, and everyone found out just how fucking crazy Scientology is.

That's it.

I swear I'll update again because I have nothing else to do and people have actually been complaining (and by people I mean 2 people).

Monday, December 3, 2007

United States General Assessment

So, I just drove across the entire country.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

So, I just drove across the entire goddamn country.

From Los Angeles, California to Yarmouth, Maine.
It was at least 30 miles.

Here's what I learned about these United States:

  1. Flagstaff, Arizona has the best beer in the world. I've been to Belgium, Germany, The Netherlands, London and Scotland. But in Flagstaff I had a stout that gave me goosebumps.
  2. From New Mexico to Pennsylvania no one knows how to drive. Seriously. Fuck you guys.
  3. There is a motel just outside of Oklahoma City that belongs in a 3rd world country. Stains on the sheets, holes in the ceiling and wall (some of them plugged up with toilet paper). In the shower they provided a solitary bar of soap that was originally from another motel. I have no idea how these guys stay in business. On the plus side it only cost 35 bucks a night.
  4. Arizona has the best sunsets (besides Maine).
  5. God had no part in the design of Boston's roads.
  6. I-40 mostly has a 75 mph speed limit. You must behold its glory by ignoring it and driving 90 mph.
  7. Amarillo, Texas is the worst place in the world. The whole town smells awful because it's surrounded by cattle.
  8. Southern California has the America's most boring weather. Sorry, it's not cool to have the same exact weather all year around - it's monotonous and breeds forest fires. Also, smog.
  9. There is a chain of gas stations in the flyover states called "Kum & Go". The sheer stupidity required to go through the lengthy process of establishing a franchise and refusing to see that your business name is wrought with sexual innuendo is impressive.

This pretty much sums it all up.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Dick Cheney is a Goddamn Robot

According to this article on Reuters, Dick Cheney was found to have an "irregular heartbeat". At first I hoped they meant "no heartbeat", but then I read on...

Tests determined Cheney, 66, one of President George W. Bush's closest advisers, had "atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart," said Megan Mitchell, his spokeswoman.
I like how they specify that Cheney is one of Bush's "closest advisers". Since Dick has tried to pass himself off as a member of the legislative branch, instead of one of the executive branch (something every high schooler knows), people have no idea what to call him now. I could go with a joke about Darth Cheney right now, but I'm not gonna do it, I'm just not gonna do.

Of course this irregular heartbeat in Cheney's dark chasm of a chest is caused by him being a robot. The magnetic fields on Earth have been surprisingly active lately and this is causing a disturbance in his mechanical heart. By "abnormal rhythm" the doctors meant that when they pressed the stethoscope to Cheney's back they heard Kraftwerk. We all know how much robots like Kraftwerk.

This has no effect on us mere humans, though. Our soft, fleshy exterior will be easily torn apart by Lord Robot King Cheney's steel grapples, forged by Bill Kristol in the dark basement of the Skull and Bones building.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fat People Like to Kill Each Other

So I just found this article on

It's about fat people.

Specifically, the fattest cities in America.

In that article you'll find links to other lists of the most murderous and sedentary cities in America. What's surprising about these articles is that there's an alarming amount of overlap in each of the lists.

One city, Detroit, showed up in the Top 5 of each list. So Detroit is a fat, violent and lazy city. It doesn't make much sense, if you think about it. To murder someone you usually have to go out of your way to do it. There's also probably some amount of planning and preparation that goes into it, too. What goes on in Detroit? A bunch of fat people sit around with guns shooting at each other whilst wolfing down buckets of KFC (see Fig. 1).

(Fig 1.)

This is what makes America great. It doesn't matter if you're morbidly obese and hardly ever leave your room, you could still order a semi-automatic handgun off of ebay and shoot blindly out the window.

I don't know, maybe the people of Detroit have pioneered a new method for murder. You invite the person over and then sit in front of the door with a shotgun. The city is probably plagued by drive-bys in Rascals. Slow get-away, maximum comfort.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Deer in Headlights

Nothing says "competent leadership" like having your press secretary stare blankly into the eyes of a journalist.

Don't get me wrong, Scott McClellan's doe-like eyes and dough-like body are enough to melt anyone's heart. But when he looks at you like a child who was asked to solve a quadratic equation, you have to feel sorry for him.

He recently said that he unknowingly passed on false information back when he was press secretary.

"So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President's chief of staff, and the president himself."

Get outta here. I don't believe you. You're in politics and you had to lie? My world has been rocked to the core.

I would really like to know what the hell goes on in Bush's office. I'd imagine that it must be like an Aerosmith recording session in the 70s. Mounds of cocaine everywhere, Condi Rice passed out in her underwear, Karl Rove banging at the door, needing another fix, all the while Cheney and Richard Pearle do inhuman lines of coke and bounce ideas off each other while saying "dude" a lot.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

This Makes No Sense...

I read Thomas Friedman's "The Lexus and the Olive Tree" a few years ago. Some of my friends thought it was watered-down fare on the topic of globalization, but I thought it was great. Then again, I'm one of those retards who likes anecdotal examples (no, I did not do well in school).

It's too bad that Thomas Friedman has gone completely fucking insane.

In his newest article in the New York Times Friedman makes the assertion that Dick Cheney should be Barack Obama's vice president - and he's serious.

First of all, Cheney needs to be shot out of a cannon, not allowed to further hold public office. Second of all... I'm sorry I lost track of my thoughts by thinking of what hell this country would be if Cheney were allowed to stay VP.... it would probably be like this.

"When negotiating with murderous regimes like Iran’s or Syria’s, you want Tony Soprano by your side, not Big Bird. " Friedman says this in his article and, I hope, he meant it to be taken with a grain of salt. There are a lot of similarities between Dick Cheney and Tony Soprano.

  1. Tony Soprano and Dick Cheney are both crooks.
  2. Tony Soprano's daughter is a hot babe; Dick Cheney's daughter digs hot babes.
  3. Tony Soprano kills his friend over a horse; Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face... for no reason.
  4. Tony Soprano is balding; Dick Cheney is balding.
  5. Tony Soprano is a sociopath; Dick Cheney is, you know, a sociopath.
So you can see why we'd want someone like Tony Soprano as the Vice President of the world's most powerful nation.

Thomas Friedman also talks a lot about Iran in his article. So I think it's fitting that I talk about Iran, too. I think I'll do it in list form, since people like to read lists.
  1. Sharia law can suck my dick.
  2. Ahmadinejad needs to shut the hell up.
  3. Don't make nukes, they're like viagara for nations - you can't have just one and then stop.
You know what? That's all I've got to say about that.